What is it that you’re searching for?

This afternoon I decided to go out for shopping my daily needs in Borma, Bandung. In the process of choosing which goods to buy, I heard a song which sounded familiar to me, but I couldn’t remember the title of the song. To fulfill my curiosity, I ended up standing in front of make-up shelf a little longer and grabbed my phone to google the piece of lyric that was stuck in my brain. And voila, it is “Wanitaku” by Noah.

Source: https://id.pinterest.com/riangusman/

Tak pernah habis dunia

Sampai ke ujung batasnya

Tak ‘kan berhenti hingga hatimu membeku

Kembali, berputar arah, pulang padaku

Kembalilah, ada ‘ku yang bisa memelukmu

Apa yang kau cari wanitaku, apa yang kau cari

Tempatmu di sini pujaanku, tempatmu di sini

Tak perlu ‘kan itu, wanitaku, tak perlu ‘kan itu

Tetaplah di sini bersamaku

Now that I have got the title, I keep on listening it, be it the original, or the cover version. I kinda feel that my brain wanders and finally ends up asking me, “what is it that you, Fen, seek for?”

In this few weeks/days, I have been stirring up myself by doing these things:

1. Spending 3 millions just to take  Hanyu/Chinese course. I still cannot find out why my hobby of reading Chinese novel gave a huge driving force to this decision.

2. I decided to pour out the Chinese course materials that I’ve learned into a digital note for life. I ended up creating an IG account so as I can enhance my hanzi writing at one blow. I try to put myself consistent with it by submitting one post per day or per 2 days (if I have another priority to do).

3. I have been joining Velma Community for a quite while now to sharpen my scientific thinking by discussing some trending social issues with other  women. The purpose of this community is to nurture rational and scientific-minded women. And frankly speaking, I am not quite actively participating in this community since I am too busy to handle this-and-that. But thank god, the discussion remains unmoved since it is mainly held in Whatsapp group, except for some zoom class.

4. Training my communication skill/public speaking by joining Toasmasters International (TI) as a guest. I realize that my way of communicating things to others is totally a mess. I had been a part of language club since senior high school till undergrads, but there’s no one like TI club, be it the aspect of learning process itself or the club members that are beyond my expectation. I can say that the learning process here is quite extreme, which I can analogize with “pushing eagle out the the nest to encourage it to fly itself”.  Bcs at the time I try to deliver my speech but then the vocabs in my head suddenly disappear out of nowhere, I think this club really suits me.

5. Sometimes I give my reflection about what I obtain after learning, watching, reading and seeing something and pour them out into words, sentences, paragraphs and that is what makes the blog you are reading now does exist. Reading at a glance to those writings that I wrote years ago, sometimes it makes my mind wander “is Fenni  five years ago the same with Fenni now?” They say people change, but memories don’t. My memories fade over time, maybe that’s one reason I create this blog.

6. About two days ago, I was selected to participate in a certain project in Appen that I applied about 3 weeks ago. This will be my part-time job. It took 15 hours to complete the qualification test. Seeing an email congratulating me keeps me bubbling over with joy.

So, what is the relation between these six points and the song lyric above?  I want to do this, I want to do that, I want to do a million things but at the same time I feel like I’m dying inside (does anyone want to help me to overcome this silent tears down my face during late at night?) What is it that I am seeking for? Can anyone give me a clue? Can you guys tell me the thing that drives you to keep on with your life without dying inside?

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